We build an ideal, a picture and when that changes, it’s a shock. However long lasting, there is sadness when there are endings. How do we get over the world we had built, the picture we drew in our minds, or in our reality? When something so ambiguous as “it’ll be okay, you’ll get through it” is the answer, we can find ourselves running through every possibility, every decision, every outcome, hitting the grass maze dead ends like we’re at the mad hatters tea party. What if I did that differently? Would this be different? Maybe or maybe not, shit happens. It’s tough, it’s tiring, and it’s emotionally painful. But, and it’s a big BUT, as I’ve posted recently, if there is order to this chaos (and I believe in a maker that made me and so I do think there is) and you have plot twists and pauses then they were known, written for us, and there is healing, new dreams, and a whole world ahead of you. It’s all part of the story, it might just be the ouchy part.

I don’t get to see Elias everyday. But I get to see him lots, and when i have done of late my heart has raced in ways I can’t even begin to describe 💙 last night in the bath, he belly laughed like I’d never heard before. I fell in love all over again. Like it was our first meeting. Love like no other. One of many signposts to signal that there IS order to the chaos, and beauty in the madness. Okay, so the picture looks different to how I thought it might on numerous occasions over the last year but I know that my maker has a plan, this is just process and grief is a just a journey with an ending. This too shall pass. And should this resonate with you too, ambiguous though it may be, “it’ll be okay, you’ll get through this”. And sooner than you think. Breathe, kid, breathe coz everyone’s got an Elias out there somewhere worth holding on for.