Uncategorized – Page 2 – It’s Joel, actually.

Drive.

October 10, 2018January 10, 2021Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, mental health, parenthoodLeave a comment

“Who’s gonna drive you home, tonight?” – Drive, The Cars.

You good, you okay? A simple question, and not always a simple answer. October 9th 2009, I took my hands off the wheel and closed my eyes. I was done, to the naked eye, fit and healthy (maybe less fit than healthy), to my friends I was busy, energetic and fun. In my brain, in my heart, I was f**ked.

Carefully navigating the windy A34 along walls of bath stone I screamed out, tears flowing. I was lost, alone and fearful. The purring of my red VW polo as my company, I decided it was the end. In the strangest, most vivid moment of my life to that point, as I veered across the sleepers I heard the words ‘open your eyes, your Father loves you’. The radio came on and Drive by 80’s cheese band The Cars rang loud. It’s hard to articulate in short but I was suddenly on the straight, driving home, hands glued tight to the wheel. Two hours later my dad stood in the doorway, greeted me like it had been years and whispered that it would be okay.

Heartbreak, so unidentifiable, so undefinable. Partners, family members, jobs, pets, sports, however we love, it’s carried in the heart. In a culture that has been obsessed with a fix, we try to be okay. How to mend a broken heart, suggested by Google. Maybe we don’t need to, not just yet.

Sometimes it’s just shit. Heads ache, and hearts break. It’s okay to feel it, but do feel it and know YOU are still enough. Never too much, and certainly not too little. I figure the more we experience, however painful, however scary, the more we grow strong. So when those waves come in strong and your heart feels like it’s shards of shattered glass, know that it’s broken pieces that form the most beautiful of mosaics. We are a puzzle shape in an ever expanding jigsaw, not every bit fits together, side by side forever but they sure as hell are meant to be there. Every story in life has its place, hold that.

To the pieces that have been part of this boys puzzle, I thank you. It’s all relevant, it’s all process, it all just is. Today, on world mental health day I can say, I’m good, I’m okay, not always but that’s okay too.

Bristol.

September 24, 2018January 10, 2021Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, mental health, parenthoodLeave a comment

“On and on you will hike,
And I know you’ll hike far,
and face up to your problems,
whatever they are.” – Dr Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go

This weekend I returned to Bristol, a place I called home in my first year of university. For many, returning to such a location draws memories of spilt drinks, dissertations, independence and self discovery. For me, not so much.

I was 19, and scared. I had a tutor that year who amongst many things told me I was too fat for the music industry, and my songwriting had been done, that I was Coldplay pt2. He wanted me to work harder. Tough love? Probably. Whatever his motivation was, (and i’m sure he wanted to see me healthy and successful) my response was internal, broken and mentally scarring. I retreated to my dorm and cried a lot (to Coldplay 😂). It was painful. I didn’t want to be in that place but I didn’t know how to get out.

I was 18 stone, desperate to be approved of, wanting to fit in, and to be enough. A theme that’s familiar to my writing of late. However, as I sat on the kerb of a pebbled alley early on Saturday morning, with the cold, wintery rain cutting into my face, I found myself shedding tears. Not in the pain of what was and came after, but in the letting go. Acknowledging the past, thanking it for its place in the story and releasing it, like a balloon filled with helium.

We all have our battlegrounds and sometimes we have to return, either geographically, communicatively or just mentally. But when you do, I challenge you to notice how far you’ve gone, where you’ve walked and are walking to. I didn’t become a pop star but I’ve lived, I’ve loved and I get to play music every single day. (I’m also no longer 18 stone too, but the Bristol hills are still very hard work!) In honesty, it’s not a year I’ve thought about too much until recently, as I’ve noticed the repeated cycles and patterns in my life. There are so many chapters to my 30 years, each one significant in its own way.

Walking with pain is hard, but letting go can be just as tough. Hang on in there. Oh, the places you’ll go…Dr Seuss is right, “kid, you’ll move mountains”.

Tuesday.

September 13, 2018January 10, 2021Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, mental health, parenthoodLeave a comment

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” – Winnie the Pooh

So, it’s been a shitty/rough *delete as applicable* couple of days. The head has been loud and the busy world, a lonely one. Why post? Not for likes or to cry out in zero’s and one’s. Nor for praise, like Joel you’ve lost a tonne (I haven’t). But when you take that breath, like the first on a cold morn, and it’s fresh, it’s okay, and it’s not too heavy, you know you made it. There may be days like these again, and you’ll do it again. It’s been a shitty few days, so why post? Coz it’s real and it’s okay. Breathe easy kid, you’ll be just fine.

Scribble of a boy.

September 3, 2018October 23, 2018Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, loyle carner, mental health, parenthood, suicideLeave a comment

“He was a scribble of a boy, all hair and mischief” – Jean Coyle-Larner

Last week I shared a piece of writing on grief and as we approach the end of summer, I’ve been reflecting on a lyric, “summer of love, so full of pain”. I think that summarises a place so many of us find ourselves in, on different occasions in our lives. A lot of us spent four hazy weeks declaring that football was coming home, it so nearly did. The weather was hot, the nights were long, the pubs were full and the gentle waft of bbq coals lingered in the air. We were together, through the adulation and in the commiseration. As the whistle blew on England’s WC adventure, I stood teary eyed, in a pizza restaurant, with the pictures beaming on to a piece of white MDF. Gareth Southgate consoled his young players, as I imagined what it will be like to hold my son in his grief, and then how my parents have stood with me in mine. Joel, you’re coming home, I felt, but just hold on.

Over the years there have been moments where I’ve been stood, quietly staring into the blurry nothingness of the busy world and I’ve felt completely alone. I’ve found myself in dark headspace’s imagining that it would be easier for it all to end. That the chaos of was too much. That maybe I was too much. It’s candid to pen (type) and tough to read but it’s that, candid. When someone suffers in their head, it’s hard to explain the thought process, because so often there isn’t one. Just a whole load of nothing and a heap of numb. But that is not truth.

When I first heard Sun of Jean ☝️ I was moved by a verse written and read by a mother bursting with LOVE for her ‘Mowgli’. “He turned the world upside down and we’re richer for it. He was and is a complete joy” she says. And I am that, to my mother, as my son is to me. We mess up, we make wrong turns but it’s all process.

I’ve had these words inked on my arm this week to remember who I am. That I am loved. That I love. So if you know that pain that rushes like a speeding train, embrace it, it’s okay ‘coz we’re in this thing together. It’s not the end. I am and will always be Jackie’s “complete joy, (her) scribble of a boy” and you will be someone’s too. Sometimes it’s just a case of hanging on in there.

Elias.

August 23, 2018October 23, 2018Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, mental health, parenthoodLeave a comment

How lucky am I that I have something that makes saying goodbye so hard – A.A.Milne

Grief is a funny thing. I’ve been thinking a lot today about how we grieve and how the process of grief applies when we (have to) say goodbye to the things that still remain in the world sometimes without us, sometimes around us. Relationships end, friendships drift, choices, plans, jobs, goals, all of it is subject to change. If we take the risk to do, we risk the outcome of grief.

We build an ideal, a picture and when that changes, it’s a shock. However long lasting, there is sadness when there are endings. How do we get over the world we had built, the picture we drew in our minds, or in our reality? When something so ambiguous as “it’ll be okay, you’ll get through it” is the answer, we can find ourselves running through every possibility, every decision, every outcome, hitting the grass maze dead ends like we’re at the mad hatters tea party. What if I did that differently? Would this be different? Maybe or maybe not, shit happens. It’s tough, it’s tiring, and it’s emotionally painful. But, and it’s a big BUT, as I’ve posted recently, if there is order to this chaos (and I believe in a maker that made me and so I do think there is) and you have plot twists and pauses then they were known, written for us, and there is healing, new dreams, and a whole world ahead of you. It’s all part of the story, it might just be the ouchy part.

I don’t get to see Elias everyday. But I get to see him lots, and when i have done of late my heart has raced in ways I can’t even begin to describe 💙 last night in the bath, he belly laughed like I’d never heard before. I fell in love all over again. Like it was our first meeting. Love like no other. One of many signposts to signal that there IS order to the chaos, and beauty in the madness. Okay, so the picture looks different to how I thought it might on numerous occasions over the last year but I know that my maker has a plan, this is just process and grief is a just a journey with an ending. This too shall pass. And should this resonate with you too, ambiguous though it may be, “it’ll be okay, you’ll get through this”. And sooner than you think. Breathe, kid, breathe coz everyone’s got an Elias out there somewhere worth holding on for.

Semi colon.

August 4, 2018October 23, 2018Posted in UncategorizedTagged grief, heart break, itsokaynottobeokay, mental health, parenthoodLeave a comment

“My story isn’t over yet.” – anon

Whatever your story, whatever your struggles, however you find yourself in a muddle. Or not. Remember, a book is re-written and written again. With plot twists and word shifts from planning to print. Though the framework’s the same, it’s all subject to change. It’s still you, your world, your footprints, your name. There’s a tool in this language, to pause, a semi colon. It’s okay to use it, the story’s not over.